Dear Internet,

I can't believe I am starting this nonesense up again, but I need somewhere to express my fears - because I'm very scared... I got some bad news yesterday, that I might have lymphoma, which is a type of cancer, well, the doctor is pretty sure I have Lymphoma, he just doesn't know what kind or what stage, I waited all day for a phonecall and will probably wait tomorrow as well, then probably there will be no phonecall during the weekend but I expect I might get the call on monday...  that call will be the doctor telling me to come in for some biopsy or whatever it is called... then after they look at that they might know more... until then I don't know what any of this means...
I'm so scared that it's the most severe of all lymphoma and on final stage, I'm pretty sure of it, but I can't help it... I of course hope for the least serious verdict but I can't help, I always expect the worse...
right now I feel mostly just numb, numbness that I expect a panic attack to follow, but it doesn't seem to be coming... I don't know why... - I just want to be held, I want to be small and insignificant in someone else's arms, someone strong preferably... someone who can "protect me" - but I know this is just silly... one should never even think such things out loud... I just don't want to be alone... I'm so damn lonely...

well screw this, I was going to watch something on youtube but my computer has decided that everything I want to watch should be played 5xspeed it's supposed to be so I'm just going to go to sleep and hope to just not have to wake up until I can know something...

Is it too much to ask for a computer who doesn't say fuck you the moment I need it? for friends that don't say fuck you the moment you need them and a mother that gives a shit? - is it???

Well, fuck this shit, I'm going to sleep..
-Zion